GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE

October 23, 1998 OCTOBER

Evenings Out

A primer for coming out

Chastity Bono tells her story of coming out in small, safe increments, plus her family's reaction

by Andrea L.T. Peterson

Coming out as gay or lesbian is almost never easy. Whether a person is a teen just beginning to come to terms with his or her sexuality, or an adult suddenly confronted with the true nature of his or her sexual orientation, the decision to come out is tough, and the process at times seems endless.

For Chastity Bono, the daughter of America's sweetheart couple of the '60s, Sonny and Cher, coming out under the prying eyes of the public and the media was not the most exciting prospect.

But Bono knew from the start that having a support system in place is essential. In fact, that is probably the basic premise of her new bookFamily Outing, which serves as a primer about coming out in small, safe increments, and building that support system along the way.

As she worked on the book, Bono said she "gained insight into myself and my growing up"-a feeling she referred to as a sense of "clarity."

Bono said that talking to her famous mother for the book about what it was like to be the celebrity mom of a budding lesbian gave her a better understanding about how and why Cher distanced herself when Chastity began to explore her sexual orientation.

The more Chastity took a different path— less feminine, less like her mother-it seemed that the two drifted further and further apart.

(They have since mended the rift, and now share a very close mother-daughter relationship.

chastitybono

Chastity Bono

Unfortunately, Chastity was unable to resolve some issues with her father, U.S. Rep. Sonny Bono, over his sponsoring of the "Defense of Marriage Act" before his untimely death in a skiing accident—a situation she has expressed deep regret about.) What is unique about Family Outing is that is focuses not only on the gay, lesbian, or bisexual individual coming out, but also on the families within which they come out.

familyouting

with billie fitzpatrick

In addition to her own story, Bono explores the coming out process with the subjects interviewed in the book and members of their families.

"I hoped my personal experience could be inspirational," she said. "But I was also interested in finding others who went through similar experiences, and gathering their stories together."

The group shares how they reacted to the news of their sons and daughters coming out, and how, not unlike Cher, they eventually coped and came to terms.

"It was great," Bono says, “talking to people about the coming out process, then talking to the people they came out to." This aspect of Family Outing makes the book an invaluable tool for parents, educators, therapists, and friends of gays and lesbians, Bono said.

Bono, who says she is “always kind of surprised by her celebrity [status]," admits that she was "able to turn that into something positive” through her tenure as a columnist with the Advocate, as a spokesperson for the Human Rights Campaign, and as former entertainment media director for

the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation. She hopes her famous name will also get people to read Family Outing.

Because of who she is, Family Outing is a book many will pick up simply to see how "Chastity handled it," or how "Cher accepted her daughter's lesbianism."

But Family Outing is more than one celebrity's coming to terms. Says Bono, "It's user friendly; anyone can pick it up and enjoy reading it. It's not tedious or boring. It provides information, and it is great for someone who wants to begin or to continue along the coming out process."

Bono added that for her, as well as for so many whose stories appear in the book, coming out was definitely worth the risks.

"It often takes incredible courage to come out," she said. "There is something amazing about sharing and hearing other people's stories. Not one [of the people interviewed] wished they hadn't done it [come out]. All felt a great sense of relief, regardless of the outcome."

For those not yet out, Bono's advice is to be prepared.

"Read as much as you can, know what resources are out there, so when you come out and are confronted with questions, you know where to send people who really care for answers."

Coming out, says Bono, “is so important, personally to be a whole person.” And, she adds, "it is probably the most important thing we can do for our movement."

"It is so easy," she argues, "for the religious right to use fear tactics when so many remain in the closet. The more who come out, the harder it will be for them to tell lies about us. Personally, and communally, [coming out] is the most important thing a gay person can do."

Andrea L.T. Peterson is a Chronicle contributing writer living in Virginia.